My Fear of Success

My fear of success can most directly be linked to the only thing I have ever been truly great at. It was an online competitive videogame, played with 8 people opposing. I got so good at it they eventually started accusing me of cheating. I wasn't but eventually it got so that every time I signed on, everyone else signed off. I got genuinely skilled at something, pouring hours and hours into it, no cheats, no advantages of any kind, on an inadequate computer that shouldn't have been able to play it through the cheapest DSL connection available, hiding it from my family, I got expert level in this game and rather than being appreciated for it I was abandoned. I've never cared what people thought of me personally, but to put so much work into something and have nobody appreciate it, that broke me. I haven't been able to play a video game honestly since. I use god mode, item cheats, ridiculous tricks, I play with no risks, on the outskirts of efficacy, so that I can amuse myself without getting too invested in the outcome. I think I sabotage myself and convince myself that somehow it's someone else. I convince myself that if my mother knows what I do it will end in failure. I convince myself that I am being watched at all times and whoever's doing it is also subtly keeping me down just to see how much I can take. I convince myself the grand cosmic awareness is keeping me in obscurity to save me for some catastrophy where I'll be needed. I can't wait for the zombies because then I'll have an excuse to run around with a machete and burn stacks of money for warmth. All of this has kept me living in my parents house with no prospects and no future and no way out of it because what if I do get out of it? What if I drag myself up and make something? Someone will resent me for it. Someone will be worse off than me and I will be better than somebody. And living my whole life being that guy, resenting everybody who is better than me, I don't know what I would do on the other side of the line.